weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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