I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
