My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
