highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
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you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
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Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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