i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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