i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
