i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
