Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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