Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
