I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
