My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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