I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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