Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i dont even know how to be here
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
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P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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