So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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