I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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