just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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