We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
