She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
