My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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