she was so not down for the gang bang
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
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It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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