I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
