Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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