And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
