You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
