My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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