the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
