I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize