Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
