He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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