first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
