one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
