So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
