someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
