I think im going to throw up on grandma
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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