Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
