I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
