I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
