I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
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I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's blow job season.
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And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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