My liver just broke up with me...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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