I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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