She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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