we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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