cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
