Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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