are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
