How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
