your parents love me but you hate me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
