i think my tv is drunk
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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