She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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