and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
