I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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