We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
