it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
