It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
